Reliving the Past

Here I am...... almost another year later since my last post. Last year, after my dad died, I vowed to get better about blogging and pick back up with my healthy living goals.... Well, things didn't go quite as planned! Good intentions are only good if you follow through with them. This past year has been the most difficult of my entire life. After struggling for years with infertility and loss and marital issues, I never could have imagined that anything could have felt worse. I guess that was my rose-colored glasses thinking, because almost a year ago, everything I thought I knew about life, love and loss was completely debunked.

Today is January 3, 2013..... My dad went Home to be with God on January 6, 2012. I realized last night that it had been exactly a year since I had last spoken to him.....told him that I loved him....... enjoyed his presence (albeit 1000 miles apart). Then, this morning, my sweet baby girl (the love of my daddy's life) looked at me and in the most pitiful voice, told me that she didn't have a grandpa anymore. Wow! That's when it HIT me!!! Hearing her tell me that with so much sadness and desperation in her voice, jolted me out of my year-long trance and made me finally realize that I don't have a daddy anymore either. Wow! What a revelation!!!!! The thought that I will NEVER get another hug from him, smell his cologne, hear him chomp ice in my ear, tell jokes with him, watch him tear up at the airport as we would leave to come home from a visit, or confide in him about whatever was bothering me...hit me like a ton of bricks!!!

 I have this HUGE hole in my heart that I don't think will ever be filled! I have been protecting myself from pain pretty well for the past year, but at some point it needs to come out.....right???!!!! I've tried to keep up a good face and be generally happy around others because I don't like to be that person who complains all the time, and let's face it..... I have to hold it together for Zoe. She knows that Pop is in Heaven and not coming back, but I want her to know that we can move on; although, secretly, I'm hurting inside.

 Honestly, I've been in denial this year. I am sad, but I have repressed so much from being able to come out in an effort to keep from hurting. All that denial has actually hurt me more I think!! I guess that's why I'm blogging all of this crazy chatter..... I feel like if I can finally express what's been bottled up for so long, I can finally start to move on.... That's what Daddy would have wanted!! He would have wanted me to live my life to the fullest and not waste a day thinking about "what if" or "why didn't I". I miss my daddy as much today as I did the day I found out he had passed away. He will forever be in my heart! I love that I can look in the mirror and see his eyes staring back at me everyday (I have his blue eyes) and make witty jokes without even thinking about it. I will always love him!

 My resolution this year is to truly feel whatever emotions I need to feel to start living again and to keep his memory alive with stories, pictures and wonderful memories. I really hope to be able to share some of these here on this blog as well as writing them down and possibly publishing them in a book for Zoe one day.

Thank you to all my family, friends and supporters who have rallied around me this year. I couldn't have made it without you!!! Each of you is very special to me!! I love you!!!

 & to my sweet Daddy: Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite, and always know that I LOVE YOU MOST!!!

 -Meagan