Things Have Got to Change

Hazy Shade of Grey

I can’t believe it’s been 8 months since I’ve written a post on my blog.  It seems like these 8 months have blown by in a complete fog.  I can’t remember half of what has happened in the months since Daddy died.  His death really did a number on my emotional state.  I think being in this daze is my body’s way of manifesting the shock of what we’ve all been through.  So much has changed, yet so much remains the same……. It’s hard to know where to pick up and start over.  Bottom line is that life will never be the same without him here! 
 
There have been days in the past 8 months where I haven’t wanted to get out of bed.  I traded my stay-at-home mommy job in for full time work again mainly because staying busy has given me a reason to get up in the morning.  If I didn’t have to go to work or take Zoe to school, I would be worthless.  Having dealt with depression for many years and having overcome a lot of its consequences made this loss much harder on me.  I feel like I fell deeper into the dark, black pit than I have ever before!  My psychiatrist, Dr. Hauser, said that this is normal for someone with clinical depression in the wake of a tremendous loss.  I’ve had to add another pill to my cocktail, but that seems to be helping me cope a little better the last few weeks.
 
I See the Light

Last week, I woke up and a light bulb went off in my head!  I can’t explain it, but all of a sudden I realized that I’ve been laying around too long, and I finally need to do something about it.  Don’t get me wrong, I still miss my dad deeply.  There is not a minute that doesn’t go by that I don’t think about him; however, the blinders have finally be ripped off and I see myself for the first time in 8 months.  & believe me…… I hate what I see in the mirror!!  I have gained weight, lost my desire to exercise, wear frumpy clothes and I can’t even jog to the end of my street & back.  What a difference a year makes!!!  This time last year, I was in the process of getting in the best shape I’ve ever been in.  Now that I can see clearly, I know that things have got to change & FAST!  Daddy wouldn’t have wanted his death to affect me in this way.  His death should have been a wake-up call for me to get my heart, body and soul in better shape!  So, I guess now is the time to start making these changes!
 
My Wellness Assessment

This time around, I decided that I need a little bit of structure and help getting back into the swing of things, so I book an appointment with an Exercise Physiologist (trainer) at work.  Methodist has this great wellness program with trainers, dieticians, a fantabulous gym on the 23rd floor of our Outpatient Center (overlooking Rice University & downtown Houston), acupuncture, massages, and fitness classes.  Most of it is free or very little charge.  So, I went for it!  Last Monday, I met with Peter, one of our trainers who I’ve had the pleasure of working with in Wellness last year.  He is a really nice guy who I developed a rapport with, but I know he can be tough on me in the gym.  They always say it’s good to have a buddy, so my friend Melissa came along to participate and get herself back in shape as well. 
 
After an hour’s worth of fitness testing, I got some decent and not so good results.  I’m going to share some of them with you, because having shared this information in the past has really helped to keep me motivated and accountable.  I will defer on the weight this time because I’m just not ready to say that out loud.  Just know that it’s pretty close to where I started off January 2011 at.  All that progress I made last year, went right down the drain…… or better yet – on my hips!

Measurement	Where I Am	Where I Should Be
Weight	…….. (no comment)	<184
% Body Fat	37% (below avg)	26%
Resting heart rate	103 (poor)	50-75
Sit-ups / min	18 (poor)	25+
Flexibility (inches)	17 inches (avg)	16+
Grip strength (kg)	35 kg (excellent)	27+
Push up / min	24 (excellent)	16+
Cardiovascular endurance	poor
Overall fitness score	below average	average +
Blood glucose	100	<100
Total cholesterol	223 mg/dL (borderline)	<200
HDL	51 mg/dL	> 50
Triglycerides	190 mg/dL (borderline)	<150
LDL	134 mg/dL (borderline)	<130
TC/HDL Ratio	4.4	<4.44

 
Let me just say a few things about these scores first:
#1 – Resting heart rate for someone my age should be b/w 50-75 bpm.  Mine hangs around the 100s.  Ever since I was a young adult, I was diagnosed with a fast heart rate.  It’s been near 100 (resting) since I was in college.  My cardiologist and GP are aware of this and say that it’s probably just my normal.  I don’t forsee this number ever getting into the 50s or 60s; however I hope to at least bring it down into the 80s (resting).
#2 – I’m not surprised that I did poorly in the sit up department!  I have had 5 abdominal surgeries in the past 10 years, so I have no muscular tone there anymore.  This is one of the biggest target areas for me, as it’s my weakest link! 
#3 – I am totally SHOCKED that I am considered in the above average / excellent category for upper body strength!  Having been a firefighter, I always knew that my upper body was not as strong as my lower body……that’s pretty common for female firefighters.  We just don’t have the same ability to lift things like our male counterparts.  I still want to improve on this score though!  Need to tone these arms so I don’t feel so self conscious wearing sleeveless shirts!
 
The Plan

In light of my newfound knowledge, I’m working on putting my fitness plan together. 

Diet:  My trainer recommended ~ 1900 cal / day to lose weight; however, I have survived on less, so I’m setting my caloric max at 1700 cals / day.  I will allow myself 1 day / week to enjoy myself and go out to dinner.  My biggest downfall is that I don’t eat breakfast.  I’ve been skipping breakfast since college.  Now I realize that by skipping the most important meal of the day, I’m actually slowing down my metabolism.  So, I will have to become more diligent about eating before I go to work.  Since my cholesterol is borderline high, my plan is to eat low-sugar oatmeal every morning.  Oatmeal is one of those wonderful foods that can help you lose weight and lower your cholesterol. 
Surprisingly, there aren’t too many great healthy choices at work for lunch.  You would think that a hospital that places such a high priority on wellness would have lots of healthy options in the cafeteria, but this is one place Methodist is lacking!!  I’m going to buy some healthy pre-made lunches at My Fit Foods so that I don’t get the itch to cheat and have a burger or BBQ!  I will buy a week’s worth of lunches on Sunday and freeze them for use throughout the week.
Dinner should be the easiest meal to plan because Brent is committed to being healthy with me.  We have plans to write out a menu for the entire week and stick to it.  We will allow ourselves one night / week to eat out.  My second biggest vice is eating out.  If I can just find the time to cook at home, I think the pounds will fall off!!  This means that I have to find joy in cooking….. eesh!  Not one of my favorite things to do, but it is necessary.  I need to channel my inner domestic goddess to find the strength!!

Fitness:  Our fitness center at work offers boot camp classes Monday, Tuesday, & Wednesday afternoons at 4:15 pm.  My goal is to keep my gym bag packed & in my car at all times, so I don’t have an excuse not to go to class after work!  I will also continue to cycle at least 3-4 days / week.  Peter said that I need at least 4 days of cardiac workout to maintain a healthy routine.  As the temps start to get more comfortable this fall, I will add in runs with the C to 5K app.  Houston half marathon coming up in January 13, so I’ve got to get back on the pavement soon!!  I would also like to get back into kickboxing at some point, so there are lots of options waiting on me. 

Accountability:  I have started using the “My Fitness Pal” app on my phone to document my food diary, exercise and water consumption for each day.  The cool thing about this app is that your friends can link up to your profile and give you motivation and inspiration.  I’m also committed to start blogging again!  When I was blogging on a regular basis last year, I really stayed accountable to my training plan.  I don’t even think that many people read this, but it makes me feel better to get it all out there and be accountable to something. 
 
It Will Happen!!

I know all this sounds like a huge undertaking to start “cold turkey.”  I know that I can do it though!  I’ve done it before, and I don’t have an option not to do it!  I’m realizing that in order to be happy with everything in my life, I have to be happy with myself first!  There seems like no better way to honor my dad’s life than to get myself healthy & happy – to have no regrets – and to live my life to the fullest!  I hope that in writing this blog, I can inspire just one person who is / has gone through similar experiences as me!
 
As I’ve done in past posts – I’m posting this song / video that reminds me so much of my dad.  I miss him so much, and I am eternally grateful for all the wonderful life lessons / values that he passed on to me!