Things Have Got to Change

Hazy Shade of Grey

I can’t believe it’s been 8 months since I’ve written a post on my blog.  It seems like these 8 months have blown by in a complete fog.  I can’t remember half of what has happened in the months since Daddy died.  His death really did a number on my emotional state.  I think being in this daze is my body’s way of manifesting the shock of what we’ve all been through.  So much has changed, yet so much remains the same……. It’s hard to know where to pick up and start over.  Bottom line is that life will never be the same without him here! 
 
There have been days in the past 8 months where I haven’t wanted to get out of bed.  I traded my stay-at-home mommy job in for full time work again mainly because staying busy has given me a reason to get up in the morning.  If I didn’t have to go to work or take Zoe to school, I would be worthless.  Having dealt with depression for many years and having overcome a lot of its consequences made this loss much harder on me.  I feel like I fell deeper into the dark, black pit than I have ever before!  My psychiatrist, Dr. Hauser, said that this is normal for someone with clinical depression in the wake of a tremendous loss.  I’ve had to add another pill to my cocktail, but that seems to be helping me cope a little better the last few weeks.
 
I See the Light

Last week, I woke up and a light bulb went off in my head!  I can’t explain it, but all of a sudden I realized that I’ve been laying around too long, and I finally need to do something about it.  Don’t get me wrong, I still miss my dad deeply.  There is not a minute that doesn’t go by that I don’t think about him; however, the blinders have finally be ripped off and I see myself for the first time in 8 months.  & believe me…… I hate what I see in the mirror!!  I have gained weight, lost my desire to exercise, wear frumpy clothes and I can’t even jog to the end of my street & back.  What a difference a year makes!!!  This time last year, I was in the process of getting in the best shape I’ve ever been in.  Now that I can see clearly, I know that things have got to change & FAST!  Daddy wouldn’t have wanted his death to affect me in this way.  His death should have been a wake-up call for me to get my heart, body and soul in better shape!  So, I guess now is the time to start making these changes!
 
My Wellness Assessment

This time around, I decided that I need a little bit of structure and help getting back into the swing of things, so I book an appointment with an Exercise Physiologist (trainer) at work.  Methodist has this great wellness program with trainers, dieticians, a fantabulous gym on the 23rd floor of our Outpatient Center (overlooking Rice University & downtown Houston), acupuncture, massages, and fitness classes.  Most of it is free or very little charge.  So, I went for it!  Last Monday, I met with Peter, one of our trainers who I’ve had the pleasure of working with in Wellness last year.  He is a really nice guy who I developed a rapport with, but I know he can be tough on me in the gym.  They always say it’s good to have a buddy, so my friend Melissa came along to participate and get herself back in shape as well. 
 
After an hour’s worth of fitness testing, I got some decent and not so good results.  I’m going to share some of them with you, because having shared this information in the past has really helped to keep me motivated and accountable.  I will defer on the weight this time because I’m just not ready to say that out loud.  Just know that it’s pretty close to where I started off January 2011 at.  All that progress I made last year, went right down the drain…… or better yet – on my hips!

Measurement	Where I Am	Where I Should Be
Weight	…….. (no comment)	<184
% Body Fat	37% (below avg)	26%
Resting heart rate	103 (poor)	50-75
Sit-ups / min	18 (poor)	25+
Flexibility (inches)	17 inches (avg)	16+
Grip strength (kg)	35 kg (excellent)	27+
Push up / min	24 (excellent)	16+
Cardiovascular endurance	poor
Overall fitness score	below average	average +
Blood glucose	100	<100
Total cholesterol	223 mg/dL (borderline)	<200
HDL	51 mg/dL	> 50
Triglycerides	190 mg/dL (borderline)	<150
LDL	134 mg/dL (borderline)	<130
TC/HDL Ratio	4.4	<4.44

 
Let me just say a few things about these scores first:
#1 – Resting heart rate for someone my age should be b/w 50-75 bpm.  Mine hangs around the 100s.  Ever since I was a young adult, I was diagnosed with a fast heart rate.  It’s been near 100 (resting) since I was in college.  My cardiologist and GP are aware of this and say that it’s probably just my normal.  I don’t forsee this number ever getting into the 50s or 60s; however I hope to at least bring it down into the 80s (resting).
#2 – I’m not surprised that I did poorly in the sit up department!  I have had 5 abdominal surgeries in the past 10 years, so I have no muscular tone there anymore.  This is one of the biggest target areas for me, as it’s my weakest link! 
#3 – I am totally SHOCKED that I am considered in the above average / excellent category for upper body strength!  Having been a firefighter, I always knew that my upper body was not as strong as my lower body……that’s pretty common for female firefighters.  We just don’t have the same ability to lift things like our male counterparts.  I still want to improve on this score though!  Need to tone these arms so I don’t feel so self conscious wearing sleeveless shirts!
 
The Plan

In light of my newfound knowledge, I’m working on putting my fitness plan together. 

Diet:  My trainer recommended ~ 1900 cal / day to lose weight; however, I have survived on less, so I’m setting my caloric max at 1700 cals / day.  I will allow myself 1 day / week to enjoy myself and go out to dinner.  My biggest downfall is that I don’t eat breakfast.  I’ve been skipping breakfast since college.  Now I realize that by skipping the most important meal of the day, I’m actually slowing down my metabolism.  So, I will have to become more diligent about eating before I go to work.  Since my cholesterol is borderline high, my plan is to eat low-sugar oatmeal every morning.  Oatmeal is one of those wonderful foods that can help you lose weight and lower your cholesterol. 
Surprisingly, there aren’t too many great healthy choices at work for lunch.  You would think that a hospital that places such a high priority on wellness would have lots of healthy options in the cafeteria, but this is one place Methodist is lacking!!  I’m going to buy some healthy pre-made lunches at My Fit Foods so that I don’t get the itch to cheat and have a burger or BBQ!  I will buy a week’s worth of lunches on Sunday and freeze them for use throughout the week.
Dinner should be the easiest meal to plan because Brent is committed to being healthy with me.  We have plans to write out a menu for the entire week and stick to it.  We will allow ourselves one night / week to eat out.  My second biggest vice is eating out.  If I can just find the time to cook at home, I think the pounds will fall off!!  This means that I have to find joy in cooking….. eesh!  Not one of my favorite things to do, but it is necessary.  I need to channel my inner domestic goddess to find the strength!!

Fitness:  Our fitness center at work offers boot camp classes Monday, Tuesday, & Wednesday afternoons at 4:15 pm.  My goal is to keep my gym bag packed & in my car at all times, so I don’t have an excuse not to go to class after work!  I will also continue to cycle at least 3-4 days / week.  Peter said that I need at least 4 days of cardiac workout to maintain a healthy routine.  As the temps start to get more comfortable this fall, I will add in runs with the C to 5K app.  Houston half marathon coming up in January 13, so I’ve got to get back on the pavement soon!!  I would also like to get back into kickboxing at some point, so there are lots of options waiting on me. 

Accountability:  I have started using the “My Fitness Pal” app on my phone to document my food diary, exercise and water consumption for each day.  The cool thing about this app is that your friends can link up to your profile and give you motivation and inspiration.  I’m also committed to start blogging again!  When I was blogging on a regular basis last year, I really stayed accountable to my training plan.  I don’t even think that many people read this, but it makes me feel better to get it all out there and be accountable to something. 
 
It Will Happen!!

I know all this sounds like a huge undertaking to start “cold turkey.”  I know that I can do it though!  I’ve done it before, and I don’t have an option not to do it!  I’m realizing that in order to be happy with everything in my life, I have to be happy with myself first!  There seems like no better way to honor my dad’s life than to get myself healthy & happy – to have no regrets – and to live my life to the fullest!  I hope that in writing this blog, I can inspire just one person who is / has gone through similar experiences as me!
 
As I’ve done in past posts – I’m posting this song / video that reminds me so much of my dad.  I miss him so much, and I am eternally grateful for all the wonderful life lessons / values that he passed on to me! 

Love Letter from God

My sister found a copy of this "love letter from God" in her Bible last night.  It really spoke to her in a way that she could hardly verbalize.  It was almost as if God was comforting her and letting her know that Daddy is ok.  Read it slowly and let the message speak to you.  Each sentence is backed up / taken from actual Bible passages.  I feel led to share this with you today and hope that it brings you as much comfort as it has brought to us.
 

My Child,


You may not know me, but I know everything about you. (Psalm 139:1)

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. (Psalm 139:2)

I am familiar with all your ways. (Psalm 139:3)

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. (Matthew 10:29-31)

For you were made in my image. (Genesis 1:27)

In me you live and move and have your being. (Acts 17:28)

For you are my offspring.  (Acts 17:28)

I knew you even before you were conceived. (Jeremiah 1:4-5)

I chose you when I planned creation. (Ephesians 1:11-12)

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. (Psalm 139:15-16)

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. (Acts 17:26)

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)

I knit you together in your mother's womb. (Psalm 139:13)

And brought you forth on the day you were born. (Psalm 71:6)

I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. (John 8:41-44)

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. (1 John 4:16)

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. (1 John 3:1)

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. (1 John 3:1)

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. (Matthew 7:11)

For I am the perfect father. (Matthew 5:48)

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. (James 1:17)

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. (Matthew 6:31-33)

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Because I love you with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3)

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. (Psalms 139:17-18)

And I rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17)

I will never stop doing good to you. (Jeremiah 32:40)
For you are my treasured possession. (Exodus 19:5)

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. (Jeremiah 32:41)

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. (Jeremiah 33:3)

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. (Deuteronomy 4:29)

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4)

For it is I who gave you those desires. (Philippians 2:13)

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. (Ephesians 3:20)

For I am your greatest encourager. (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17)

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. (Psalm 34:18)

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. (Isaiah 40:11)

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. (Revelation 21:3-4)

And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth.  (Revelation 21:3-4)

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus.  (John 17:23)
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. (John 17:26)

He is the exact representation of my being. (Hebrews 1:3)

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. (Romans 8:31)

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.  (2 Corinthians 5:18-19)

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. (2 Corinthians 5:18-19)

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. (1 John 4:10)

I gave up everything I lovedthat I might gain your love. (Romans 8:31-32)

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. (1 John 2:23)

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. (Romans 8:38-39)

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. (Luke 15:7)

I have always been Father, and will always be Father. (Ephesians 3:14-15)

My question is…Will you be my child?  (John 1:12-13)

I am waiting for you. (Luke 15:11-32)

Love,
Your Dad
Almighty God

 Father's Love Letter used by permission Father Heart Communications
© 1999-2011 www.FathersLoveLetter.com

Strong Enough

I've asked myself if I am strong enough to get through the stress of losing my dad.  When I feel like I can't go any further, God reminds me that

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil 4:13)

This video is a great reminder that God will never give us anything we can't handle if we just trust him to carry us through!

Life Will Never Be the Same

Wow!  What a difference a year makes.  Since my last posting, I have had nasal surgery (suspending my running program for several months), have participated in my First half marathon, moved into a new "old" house, and lost my dad to a heart attack. 

In October last year, Sonya, Coker, Brent & I went to Myrtle Beach, SC to run the Myrtle Beach Mini Marathon.  It was the first half marathon for all of us.  What an awesome experience!  Mom, Daddy, Zoe, and Janet tagged along for support.  After a rocky summer of missed training opportunities and a move to our new house loomed, I knew that I was really not prepared for 13.1 miles, but determined, I forged along & finished the race.  Sonya and I stuck together for the whole race, running / walking intervals.  I've heard of the "wall" that some runners get at about mile 9, and boy did we experience it!!!! 

At mile 11, we saw our families standing along the side of the road to cheer us on.  Seeing my sweet baby girl waving at me definitely gave me renewed spirit and determination. 

As we were finishing the last 1/2 mile, our path took us down the boardwalk along the Myrtle Beach shore.  A band playing beach music really made me feel like we were in the movie "Shag."

My final finish time was 3:11:52 - Place #2511.  Hey - I finished & survived.....right?

Finish!!!

Check out our cool surfboard medals

Brent finished the race in just a little over 2 hours.  He trained hard and had a good finish!  My Dad was so proud of us for finishing the race!  It was so awesome to have him there to celebrate our finish.  Because he was so proud, he started wanting to train for a race to run with us.  We had previously discussed running the Cooper River Bridge Run in 2012 as a family, and I think that the half marathon really got him excited about training. 

The Next Run

Just before Christmas, Daddy had gotten a new iPhone, so I encouraged him to download and start training with the Couch to 5K app.  He had mentioned wanting some gear, so I bought him a good pair of headphones and an armband for his phone.  Daddy started his C to 5K program on January 2nd and seemed to be very excited about it.  He never complained about the exercise and seemed to be enjoying it. 

It Can't Be True!

On Friday, January 6th at 5:05pm CST, Brent got the call that no one ever wants to receive!  My dad was dead.  What?  No way!  It can't be!  I had just talked to him on Wednesday, and he was doing fine - joking and giving me a hard time and doting on Zoe like always.  When my mom got home from work on Friday, she found my dad laying in the floor beside the treadmill.  He had apparently just finished his first week of C25K.  He journaled his time, took his shoes off, neatly placed his headphones in their tray, and laid down on the floor to cool off.  This was his normal routine.  He often laid down on the floor to cool off after a run.  When my mom walked into the room, which happens to be my old bedroom, she found him laying in his usual spot.  At first she thought he had fallen asleep, but she quickly realized that he was not breathing.  She tried to perform CPR, but it was just too late to do any good (which is weird to say as we have found out that she missed him by maybe less than 30 minutes).  The coroner came to the house and determined that he had most likely died of a massive heart attack induced by the exercise.  He died training for our family race - only 3 workouts into the program, at only 61 years old. 

Mom & Dad in Cancun

Daddy at Zoe's adoption hearing

Mom & Dad - Myrtle Beach, SC

Pop & his Princess

Birthday girl & her Pop

William James Nichols - Obituary

Daddy was buried at Harmony Baptist Church in Edgemoor, SC alongside his Mom and Dad on Wednesday, January 11th.  I eulogized him at the graveside service.  It was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my entire life!  How do you sum up 35 wonderful years with a parent in just a few minutes?  I was remarkably calm that day.  I had been praying almost non-stop since I found out that he died, and I really feel like God gave me the strength and comfort to get through that day.  I could feel my Daddy there right beside me every step of the way. 

It's now been two weeks since Daddy died, and I am still having a hard time making sense of everything that has happened.  I have turned to my faith in God to get me through this very difficult journey.  There is no doubt in my mind that Daddy is in Heaven right now....... watching over us and feeling no pain or sorrow anymore. 

What is most concerning about all of this is that my Dad had no signs and symptoms of heart disease.  He was in his early 60's which is considered "young" for a person to die.  Since his death, I have found out that his grandfather died in his mid 50's of a heart attack along with several uncles in their 60's.  What does this mean to me?  Well, heart disease can be caused by unhealthy lifestyle, but it is also largely genetic.  This has been a HUGE wake-up call for me!  I have got to lose some more weight, start my training program again, and start living a health lifestyle.  I can't afford NOT to. 

Honoring his Memory

Since my Dad was so excited about running the Cooper River Bridge 10K this year, my sister & I have set up a memorial team for the run to honor his memory.  We are asking for anyone interested in running or walking the bridge to join our team in honor of Daddy.  You can register for our team, "Pop's Posse" at

http://www.active.com/framed/event_detail.cfm?CMP=23%2D37&SREF=FBShare&SSFEAT=301ActiveframedPurchCNFMRSVP%2D1295915596190&SFBSTATE=Unknown&EVENT_ID=1959395&CHECKSSO=0

If you cannot attend the run but would still like to participate, we are also collecting donations for the American Cancer Society as he was a survivor of colon cancer. If you are interested in donating, you can access the memorial webpage at the follwing website:  http://www.active.com/donate/acscooper12/MByrd161 

I am so excited about running this race in memory of my Dad!  He would be so proud that we are continuing on in his footsteps.  I know that he will be there with us in spirit as we cross over that bridge!  I will be posting updates on this blog about the training process, our runs, and just information on how we are dealing with this great loss.

Something a friend told me recently - "Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal".

I will end with sentiments that my mom, sister, grandmother, and myself wrote about my dad. I hope you can see how truly exceptional he was. My dad was a wonderful man, husband, dad, Pop, and community leader.  He will be greatly missed by the many people he touched!

Amanda's Thoughts

My Daddy was the most kind, generous man I ever knew. He would give the shirt off his back if we needed it. When I was little, Daddy would make us breakfast, close my blinds because I was scared, run my bath, clean up my vomit, anything.

As I grew older, he moved me a million times, would bring me soup when I was sick, and he just helped me more than anyone knew. Daddy was my Rock, my heart. There are too many memories to even list, but I’ll miss our dinner dates, our lunchtimes at the gym and just seeing his face. I’m going to miss his smell, the feel of his arms around me, and even his road rage and gruff personality. I already do. I love my Daddy more than anyone can fathom.


He was a very special man.

Grandma's Thoughts

Jimmy was a wonderful son-in-law.  He was a good friend, and we watched NCIS together every day, something I learned to love, even though it drove Sherry crazy.  He let me move in his house and take over his bathroom, and didn’t say a word about it.  We would make a trek to the kitchen together late in the evening for an after-dinner snack.  He helped me in my home, when I asked, and even when I didn’t ask.  I loved him like a son- he was the only son I ever had.  I will miss him greatly. 

Mom's Thoughts

Jimmy and I would have celebrated our 39 anniversary on January 27 this year. He was a wonderful, loving husband and would do “almost” anything I asked of him. He took care of his family and his generosity extended out to my family and his family members and even to co-workers and others that I didn’t even know about until now. He was an extraordinary handyman and never stopped working around the house. He showed his love through his actions every day we were together.

He loved his girls more than they know. He worried about them and wanted what was best for them no matter how “grown up” they were. He loved his sons-in-law but was not afraid to tell them what they needed to do to take care of his girls. And he loved Zoe, his sweet granddaughter. When she came into our family, his heart softened and melted every time he talked to her.


He was generous and honest and true to his word. He always kept his promise. He loved to laugh and loved to tease anybody around him.


I don’t know how I can live without him but I know God’s grace and strength will help me through this time.

My Thoughts

My Dad was my mentor, best friend, confidant, and teacher. We were kindred spirits. I have so many wonderful memories of the 34 years we shared. Daddy has always been a wonderful father, but the last 13 years have been exceptional – words can’t even describe how our relationship grew in those last few years. He was a hard working man, who always did everything he could to give us everything we needed and wanted. He loved his family, his friends, his occupation, golf, wood, and the beach.

I have so many vivid memories of Daddy, that it was so hard for me to just come up with one or two. Some of my best memories as a child were running around the lumber yard – jumping off lumber, making “oatmeal” out of saw dust, playing in his desk drawer, and chasing the fork lift. To this day, I still get warm fuzzies when I walk through Lowes.


Before Brent & I got married, Daddy and I rented a U-Haul and drove all of my worldly possessions (car in tow) to Houston. Making that two day trek in a cramped truck made for some of the best memories. My most vivid memory – Approximately 40 miles outside Mobile, AL, our truck got very low on gas. There was nowhere to stop to fill up. As we crested a hill, the biggest bridge I had ever seen in my life sat in front of us. We were coasting on fumes, with the windows down. We literally moved our bodies back & forth to push the truck up that bridge, coasting down the other side & into a gas station just in time. We could not stop laughing or crying. When we got to the gas station, we bought a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts and ate the entire box as we drove through Mobile.


I have never seen Daddy happier than he was when Zoe was born. She was the apple of his eye. He came to Houston to visit her every chance he got. Daddy was able to be present for Zoe’s adoption hearing on August 15, 2009. I believe that was the happiest day of his life. I am so grateful that we have memories of that wonderful day that will live on through her. Equally, Zoe loved her Pop. He hung the moon! Every time they would talk (before we said our goodbyes) they would say, “I love you! No, I love you more! NO, I love you most!” I will never forget those words.


Daddy called me at least twice a week during the day – usually at around 2pm. We usually just caught up on what was going on with Zoe, mom, grandma, and Amanda. I cherish all of those calls. I had recently talked him into buying an iPhone, so he seemed to call much more often – sometimes several times a day to get help operating it. Our last big conversation was last week. He called me one afternoon, and we talked for at least 45 minutes (which was a rarety). We talked about everything! I think this was God’s way of giving us the opportunity to really say all the things we needed to before he went Home.


As I stand here today, I feel a strange sense of comfort. I can feel him standing by me and guiding me. I love him more than words can explain! What brings me comfort in this difficult time is knowing that I will see my Dad again one day. I know he will be there to hold my hand when it’s my time to come Home.



To my sweet, sweet Daddy,


I will miss you so much! This world will not be the same without you. Last night’s visitation was a testament to what a wonderful man you were. You will never be forgotten.


Sleep Tight – Don’t let the bed bugs bite! & always know that I LOVE YOU MOST!